


Re:

by nea_writes



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Just two companion drabbles, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-27 00:47:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8381248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nea_writes/pseuds/nea_writes
Summary: Kanda is cursed to watch Allen die over and over again.





	1. Side A

**Author's Note:**

  * For [madeoficeandfire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/madeoficeandfire/gifts).



> "The greatest thing you'll ever learn  
> Is just to love and be loved in return."
> 
> Inspired by Moulin Rouge! Set in something like present canon.
> 
> A gift for madeoficeandfire, because she's such a doll ♥

“Kanda what are you doing!”

Kanda sighed in frustration, looking away only for a moment before he felt his gaze drawn like a magnet. So many times he’d seen Allen die, a hundred different ways.

It was like a punishment, to always revere Allen’s every breath and every glance that sang to Kanda _He’s alive! He’s alive!_

“You wouldn’t understand,” Kanda said, knowing already what Allen would say.

“Try me.”

Kanda already had, too many times over. He almost wished he hated Allen so he wouldn’t be tortured this way.

“Just shut up and listen to me! You can’t go- if you go-”

“Kanda I have to go! If I don’t, Lenalee and Lavi will die! You know the Noah are ruthless!”

Yes. Yes Kanda knew. It didn’t matter if he forcibly held Allen back- he would be stabbed through by Kanda’s own sword as the 14th emerged, mad and insane.

It didn’t matter if he followed Allen - the Earl would kill him with a deranged smile on his tear ridden cheeks.

It didn’t matter if Kanda went instead of Allen - Link would bitterly hold Allen down and force the 14th out on Leverrier’s bidding.

So many times, so many ways, over and over Kanda had failed and Allen had died.

It was like the universe was mocking him. Allen would not be allowed to stay dead and Kanda would not be allowed to save him, doomed to repeat this senseless insanity.

He turned back to Allen, gray eyes burning and alive, soon to be dull and lifeless. “I love you,” Kanda said.

Allen drew back, eyes wide. “What?”

 _I do, I do,_ Kanda thought. _So much that it kills me._

Kanda laughed breathlessly. “I should’ve never gotten close to you- you, and your curse! All it’s done is make everything worse.”

“Kanda, wait, no - what did you just say? Did you-”

And still, no matter what he knew or how much he hated, he loved. “I love you,” Kanda said, turning to meet Allen’s eyes. “And you will die, and I’ll be left alone.”

Allen must have seen something in his eyes, because he abandoned his bewilderment and moved close, peering at Kanda’s face. His eyes were disgustingly gentle as he raised a hand to touch Kanda’s cheek gingerly.

It always amazed Kanda. No matter how soon or how late he said it, Allen always reciprocated immediately, shamelessly. He leaned into that trembling touch, his heart swelling even as he knew that soon - so very soon - he’d be brought back from heaven to crash on earth as Allen lay dying in his arms once again.


	2. Side B

Allen whirled on Kanda, frustrated. He shook Kanda’s persistent grip off, ripping his wrist away and facing steely blue eyes. “Kanda, what are you doing?” He demanded, tired of whatever charade they were playing.

Kanda sighed and looked away, towards the window in their inn room. Allen watched him in silence, jumping in his skin when Kanda abruptly met his gaze. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me,” Allen said, determined to get to the root of whatever was plaguing Kanda. All day he had refused to leave Allen alone when days prior he’d be perfectly content to sit back and just keep Allen in his sight. He pestered him, touched him, insisted on staying nearby and - don’t get him wrong, he loved the attention, but it was worrying considering nothing seemed to have set him off. One day he was fine, the next he was practically… _clinging,_ as much as Kanda could cling.

“You wouldn’t understand,” Kanda said dismissively, still watching Allen with that light in his eyes. There was so much pain, so much hurt and anger and something else Allen hesitated to name. God, what was wrong?

Kanda shook his head, dark hair swaying with the movement. “Just shut up and listen to me! You can’t go - if you go-” his breath hitched oddly and Allen felt his his lungs constrict at the sound.

Kanda was frightened.

_But-_ “Kanda I have to go!” Allen said, nearly pleading, begging for him to understand. If he could, Allen would stay just to ease that fear from his eyes and that tension from his shoulders. He felt a fine tremble start in his fingers because if Kanda - strong, willful and courageous Kanda - was afraid, then something was truly wrong, wasn’t it? And yet… “If I don’t, Lenalee and Lavi will die! You know the Noah are ruthless!” _Please,_ Allen thought, _don’t ask me to stay and leave them behind._

Fear gripped Allen suddenly when he met Kanda’s clear gaze - eyes bright and the very soul he saw within them trembling. His breath caught somewhere in his throat and he was seized by the sudden temptation to bring Kanda close to him if only to soothe his fears. For the first time since Allen had met him, Kanda looked young. Young, and afraid, and so fragile. It burned Allen inside to see him this way.

“I love you,” Kanda said, and Allen stopped breathing, meeting Kanda’s bare gaze. And, and that’s what it was, wasn’t it? Burning in Kanda’s eyes was love and passion and fear and all of that was for Allen, wasn’t it?

“What?” Allen whispered, breathless and afraid. There had to be something terribly wrong for any of this to happen. Because, surely, strong and steady and confident Kanda Yuu couldn’t- wouldn’t-

Kanda laughed and it was a sad heartbreaking sound. “I should’ve never gotten close to you- you, and your curse! All it’s done is make everything worse.”

“Kanda, wait, no - what did you just say? Did you-” Sometime somewhere Allen must’ve lost his mind, but if he hadn’t, and this was really happening…

Kanda looked at him then and it felt like with his gaze alone he had laid Allen bare to run his fingers over the curve of his ribs and pick apart all that made Allen whole. Under those warm blue eyes Allen felt nothing but the truth dig its way out from all the lies that made Allen up, layer by layer. “I love you.”

Kanda’s words made Allen’s very bones shiver, and any thought of Lenalee, or Lavi, or the Noah or the damned Holy War flew from his mind because in front of him was the most beautiful and tragic soul, laid bare for Allen to take and hold tenderly.

Somehow, it felt like Kanda was crying even as his eyes remained bright and dry. “And you will die, and I’ll be left alone.”

Allen’s heart was racing a mile a minute, and somehow he knew Kanda was not talking about the Innocence that had taken both Allen’s future and life, but something else, something darker. Yet, Allen was a weak man, and his heart sang for all that was in front of his eyes.

So he took a step forward and raised a hand, tracing Kanda’s cheek tenderly if only to ease that unbearable loneliness lingering over him like death.

_I’m here,_ Allen wanted to say. _I’m right here. You’re not alone._

But the words remained trapped in his mouth, because he knew even in his own heart that they would be lies.

_Don’t love me,_ he thought. _I’ll leave you in the end - even if I don’t want to._


End file.
